Felony Sing! The Taylor Swift of India

Sometimes to know the difference between good and bad music, you need to know what bad music is all about... Today I dedicate my blog to an artist who has been the KING of Bollywood music for quite some time now, infact even Amitabh Bachan featured with him in one of his songs. To me he commits a felony everytime he sings! I must admit I love the groovy beats or even the music when it comes to his songs, but  I came to a very sad conclusion when I deconstructed Felony Sing's lyrics. I despise the lyrics, and believe me when I say this I don't hate Honey Singh, I feel bad for him. I think he is rejected or abused by most of the women around him! I would call him the Taylor Swift of the India.Want to know how? I am using those few songs that I have actually heard. Although I know for these songs all the Punjabi's in the house are going to find me and tie me to chair, make me listen to all his songs until I die of disgust, sorrow (his plight through songs could be heart wrenching)! (Worst death ever)
Here's my list of reasons

1) Dope Shope- If I were to rename this song, I would call it "Drop the shokh, will you?"
The story of a guy who writes a series of letters to a girl who is busy checking someone else out, while sipping on her drink. The funny part is it's a love triangle in that video where there's a guy dancing in the pool with different girls, even Felony Singh doesn't seem to be getting the hints that she is out of his league. Someone please tell him that this is NOT how you impress a girl! She wants to dope, let her! She wants to drink, let her! She's checking someone else out, LET HER. She's just not into you. Another thing is stop using onomatopoeia, girls don't make the 'Gat,'Gat' sound when they drink. And where did the 'Deep Money' come from. All I can tell you is that He's into some 'Deep, deep Shit!'

2)Break up Party- The name says it all, this is yet another story of Felony Sing who got dumped again, now there's something called as 'Rationalization' in psychology, he uses the 'sweet lemons' technique to get over the break up. The video shows us how he enjoyed flushing her picture, drinking till the world ends. While in reality all he was doing was hugging the poor toilet seat and hallucinating about how his ex girlfriend turns into a 'Kaamwali Bai' while he is still a rockstar singing songs about her. (Inspired by Ishq Bector, aren't we?)


3)My final reason is the third and hopefully the last song I have ever heard of Honey Singh aka Felony Sing called 'High Heels'- Let me tell you that here we can actually sense his fear towards girls who wear high heels, he uses onomatopoeia out of sheer fear, when he says 'Tik Tock, Tik Tock!' I feel you Honey. I know it hurts when a girl hits you in the head with her heels, but I also know it's not her mistake. She just wanted to check if you had a brain, or was it just a hollow skull. Of course, we all know what she found. Though I love the way you narrated the story of how she approached you and what you felt, I'm quoting him here-
Pehli baat to ye, jo tu tik tok tik tok chalti hai
Maana ye saari teri high heels ki galti hai
Rok toh jaa tu hang on, ye to bata tu hai kaun
Kahan se aayi hai, kaha ko jaayegi
Pagal ladki mujhe marwayegi
Bas kar ye jalwe na dikha
Ye sab main bahut dekh chukka

Tujh jaisi toh pat jati hai

Phir durghatna ghat jati hai

Aur durghatna hui! 
God knows what you said to the girl this time!

Personal Note-

Dear Honey Singh, I know it's not your mistake but you think most of the girls like you due to your name. But when a girl says 'Honey' she isn't always hitting on you. You could hire me as an image consultant if you need. But believe me for the love of Sherawali Mata, join some grooming class, get your ears checked. Start writing some lovey dovey crap, it totally sells in Bollywood. These songs may help you with Bollywood, but I know in your head, you feel abused and frustrated. Don't commit anymore Felonies and if you do, try not to sing them. Talk to a therapist. :)

-Sincerely 

Rutika :)

Cluttered corner of a crackhead

I am completely out of my mind. I don't think I will even find  it ruminating in a pasture. (It's too lazy to traverse) I think it's still where it is supposed to be, but it just refuses to work anymore.The reason? Well I'm a 20 year old going through a quarter life crisis. Basically I want to do too many things- Learn to drive, learn to plan and study well, learn to be more disciplined, learn to be more focused, learn to prioritize, learn to be able to complete by assignments on time blah blah blah. The funny part is I just realized I've got to learn to do all this in this one year....Also I used to think the process of being responsible is a comprehensive aspect of growing up. When I was 18 I thought "It's okay to be irresponsible, it's okay to have a little fun, I'll grow up till I'm 20!" But the truth is 'I NEVER GREW UP!" Infact I think I'm gaining a lot of weight really fast, alienating myself from the very people I used to call my friends a few months ago. I just don't get them sometimes, their discourses make me feel like I just landed on Earth from planet Mars.  To feel good I started reading all those self help blogs and even watched 'The Secret'. So my plan is to visualize what I want to achieve this year and keep thinking about it, until I am determined to achieve it.

1) About the driving- I had this visual- I come running  to my mom and dad and say "Mom, Dad! Your daughter has successfully managed to avoid killing an old woman crossing the street, a lady with a baby and a man on a cycle while she drove all the way from the house to your office!" And they would both be proud of me, while leaving I would go close to my dad and whisper "By the way, I was parking and I accidentally hit your bike, you can now buy a new one and you're welcome!" :D

2)I never was a nerd, I mean I like the way people look when they study but I know I could never be one of them, I could NEVER LOOK like them! Until a few years ago I met this crazy girl (Now my Bestfriend) who inspired me to open my books and actually read it (I always thought blankly staring at my notes will magically feed information into my brain). Now it's been a while since I planned things and started studying sincerely. So what I imagine is that One day I just want to get into one of the best universities for an MA in Journalism or Mass Communication course, and then complete my PhD.

3) Assignment Completion- I want NO MORE of those assignments. I just need to able to study with some focus but these troublesome assignments can cause too many distractions. I'll explain with a very classic example- I open a webpage to about some research and end up watching Ray William Johnson's YouTube videos or searching for some Hot new Hugh Jackman pictures.

4)I've planned my vacations very well but I didn't get spare time to plan my timetable for the upcoming final exams!

Here's a list of things I have planned
1)I want to visit all the historic places in mumbai- Forts, Lakes, Dams. I've got almost 20 places that I really need to visit! (Reason- Before I travel the world, I want to know my own city inside out- every architectural marvel, every corner, every pavement, every road, every story behind it! I know Mumbai loves me as much as I love it.
2)Trip to Goa- If my friends don't turn up. I've made a promise to travel all by myself. I'm in love with beaches (They provide me with the space and time to introspect), some good sea food minus the bones, maybe some insomnia, some typically 'I am so cool because I'm 20 and still single conversations' which help me rationalize, I think it's a part of 'The Grapes are sour attitude' that I've learnt from psychology.
3)Dance- I want to dance, dance and dance again. It's been ages since I've stopped and there is a possibility that I may end up making a fool out of myself. But I'm going to dance like no one's watching, get drunk and either end up  knocking someone out or myself out.
4) Relishing a great book on a lounging chair of a beach, maybe steal a glace at some hot firangis playing football on the shore or trying to avoid those tharki men who seem to be looking at you like they have an inbuilt scanning machine inside their eyeballs.

3)Plan for my exam- Ermm....Plan of Action- Just be a dedicated and focused person who tries to understand the infinite concepts floating inside my brain but which never really register themselves in any one part of it.

The Killing Joke comes alive!

The Battle between

Order vs Chaos

Morality vs Immorality

The Dark Knight vs The Joker!

In the world of comic villains he is the most twisted character, he's also the greatest villain in the world of movies. Dumped in a vat of chemicals, a victim of self-mutilation with a sick sense of humor. He hates everything that batman loves! A purgence to a dark side that we all have. 

There's no batman without the joker, and there's no joker without the batman!

We all can't become jokers but we could  try and look like him-

Here are some easy steps that could turn you into the GREATEST VILLAIN IN THE HISTORY OF COMICS AND MOVIES- The Joker. 

Some background information- Christopher Nolan was inspired by the work of the 20th century British painter Francis Bacon and in turn this affected the make up design of The Joker. A classic example of how art can incept into cinematic representation. Are you ready?
All you need is-

• Some face paint colors:- White, black, red, blue and green
• Some talcum powder
•  Bright red lipstick
•  Waste cloth
•  A mirror to scare yourself and others in the end!
• The most basic rule that you will need to remember is that the joker is 'an Agent of Chaos'. So keep the look as messy as possible.                                                                                                                                                                                                                  
  
                                                        
• Paint a base of white all over the face but avoid the area around your eyes, eyebrows, cheekbones. 

• Mark the edges of your lips with a bright red lipstick, extend them till your cheek bones. Fill the space.
• Now coming to the trickiest part, the space around you eyes! It should be dark and void so we need to use the colors in the order given below- First fill it with the darkest shade of black, profile them with a shade of blue. (The color may seem insignificant after your look is finished but it gives a gloomy yet scary look when it is amalgamated with some green. ) The final touch is given by the dark green, which should merge with the black and blue.
• Always remember the order while you apply the colors to your eyes- Black+Blue+Green.
  

• Make sure that the white base is patchy and messy, use a combination of some talcum powder as well as the white face paint. Even  the dark corners of your eyes have a significance to them so make sure they are pitch dark and messy to give your eyes a morbid look.
• Although the sweaty look that the joker has in the movies gives him a very realistic look. All you need to do is dampen the loose ends of your hair or even some parts of your face.
• The psychic nature of the joker lies in his eyes so pay special attention, try to invest time and effort to give a well defined and crazy look to your eyes.
• Scars on the face could be added with the help of blue and green strokes around the lips and chin. The Killing Joke story comes alive as you see the traditional joker colors come alive!

HOLD A CARD (Instead of a batman keychain that I used in this one, due to lack of resources) , and with a lot of intensity say "WHY SO SERIOUS?"

P.S-This blog entry would never have been possible without my guru and friend Sumedh Gupte (A multifaceted  personality. A percussionist, sound editor, a rookie travel and event photographer and last but not the last a Joker fanatic! Thank you Sumdi...

Embrace that Inner goddess...Oops! I meant Inner Weirdo...

There are just too many things in this world that can make you feel beautiful and special. A simple gesture by a stranger in the train, made all the difference. I was in this pit I couldn't get myself out of, thought I was the most irresponsible creature on planet earth, saw myself in the mirror and for a moment a hag was staring back at me. There's this phase when everything that was picture perfect comes crashing down on you. That phase for me started when my mother, the woman I love the most had fractured both her legs, I had the most horrible day of my life. Even my love life had taken a turn for the worse. I had cried my eyes out in the college washroom and was returning back. Almost miserable! But something that day made me very happy like a child gets happy when he's offered candies. 

There was a little baby cushioned on a lady's lap. Babies are the most magical creatures in the world, I don't really believe in fairies, witches or any of those mystic creatures. But babies are ethereal, especially when they smile for no reason. So this baby I was gazing at, looked up at me and gave me this toothy little grin. And immediately I smiled back, grinned like an idiot almost as if I was in love! Reality took the form of tears and came rolling down my cheeks again. Oh how much I hated this outburst in public! I was almost about to close my eyes and wipe them off when the mother of the baby touched my hand and she spoke through signs and told me that 'I had a very beautiful smile!' I could feel myself beaming. This time the smile stayed for a long long time. While I walked home, every step was a reminiscence of every moment that made me feel wonderful,

That one time when I was annoyed at mom for complimenting me even without looking at me, and the way she cupped my chin in the warmth of her hands and said "To me, you will always look beautiful! Every single day." I never for a moment feel ugly or unloved after that day, a lot of times I get out of bed and as I'm running late for my lectures don't even take a bath. But I always follow the routine I'm about to mention.  I gaze into my bathroom mirror, hold a comb also known as my temporary microphone and dance up and down and singing aloud 'I'm sexy and I know it!' I feel it too.  

You'll have days when you can look like as ugly as a toad but don't fret, just don't feel like a toad or hop around like one, feel hot and become hot. (Disclaimer- DO NOT SET YOURSELF ON FIRE.) If you ever want to feel loved go give yourself a wonderful treat. Some people may find you creepy when you sit alone in Mad Over Donuts and binge on 3 to 4 Double Troubles at one go, but ignore all those dummies. Don't think twice when it comes to making yourself feel special (Unless your wallet is empty! You don't want to wash utensils after a hearty meal at a restaurant, do you? :P) Just embrace that weirdo inside your head which keeps telling you to do crazy things. These things may sound INSANE but they sure can make you feel better. I bet you will find all the happiness you need everywhere you go, and then do you find bliss. Don't be greedy. Share it with people, I would never forget that lady or her baby! :)

Ruia, I Hate Tears!

A goodbye or a farewell to college is supposed to be a time when you cry your eyes out or weep pretentiously by blowing your nose with someone else's handkerchief. (I've done that too. So many times that I've lost count!) While I was a junior I prayed hard until my second year that I should be blessed with sweet and fun-loving juniors. And believe me, after I met a bunch of second and first years I knew god was happily grinning at me. There are too many wonderful gifts that this college has given me.
Now you'll have to STOP YAWNING and check out how I boast about myself. Good luck! :P

 1)So when I was in my first year I was as nervous as a fish out of water until I represented this college for the first time and did my own show with my co-host Anuja on Radio One. (Even we don't remember what we spoke then.)
 Bottomline- This college gave me the confidence I needed to blabber totally random shit.

2)As my second year passed by I learnt a thing or two about relationships. I'm a fool when it comes to them :P Love is too complicated for a weirdo like me. I mean whenever I had a crush on some guy. I would start dancing to Tharki Govinda and Salman songs like 'Oonchi hain building lift teri band hain' at home and start humming them whenever I see him. Ofcourse I try to bite my tongue when he starts talking to me.

3)Performing Arts- In my second year I joined this KICKASS team called PA. And believe me, it was the best thing that ever happened to me in my entire life span of three years in college. It introduced me to the wonderful world of hosting. It's probably one of those few things I'm really good at. Thanks to one of my closest friends Rucha from college. Then the next year i.e this year I became the co-coordinator of the team and again I was completely in love with my team. I know it sounds inappropriate when I say this, but I wish I could kiss and hug each and every member of the new Performing Arts team. I managed this amazing team with a set of even more Awesomesaucesome people like Anupa, Hridaya, Harshika, Shravan, Anondita. I grew pretty close to most of them by the end of this year. But yeh rona dhona is just not my ishtyle peeps! 

4)Meeting people like Atul Kulkarni, Nawazuddin Siddiqui, Kunal Roy Kapoor, Nandita Das, Shekhar Kapur, Sorabh Pant, Sahil Bulla. ( I never knew I could talk to stars like they were my next door neighbors until I met these humble and talented people.)

5)Meeting the Bhikhari Gang- Like I said earlier, these juniors are the coolest people I have ever met. They are smart, talented and fun loving. Every thing I've always wanted in my juniors. The only unattainable dream has been to intimidate them. But looking at my stupendous personality, I don't think anyone could get intimidated. 

6) Farewell <3- I remember blackmailing Nicole and Percy(SY's) about giving us a farewell. What I expected was a room filled with random drunk/sloshed/shady people hogging on food and dancing awkwardly to Backstreet Boy songs. But when they gave us a farewell (Nicole and the Bhikhari Gang) it was one of the most craziest and amazing parties ever! Juniors if you ever need any help feel free to AVOID asking me. You need to ask sincere and serious seniors. I'm not one of them ;)

Cutting the last goodbye crap- 

You think when it's my last day in Ruia, I would cry and say bye bye to college? Hell no!Although I will definitely miss college but I would always cherish those happy moments I shared here, all those scrumptious South Indian and Chinese meals I stuffed inside my tummy and leave with a big, wide grin on my face, and a thought etched inside my heart 'Once a Ruiate, always a Ruiate!' Because I hate tears Ruia. R.U.I.A Ruia Ruia.

I have a Beard

You may think I've lost my mind. Yes, I've always been completely insane. One reason why my mother is always scared about how I'm going to get married! What's with Indian mothers and marriages? Everytime they want to threaten us they use the word 'Marriage' and girls turn into Bheegi Billies. I mean, who will marry someone who calls her room an organized mess? or who grunts every time she laughs? (Believe me- You need to say something really really funny if you want to hear my ORIGINAL LAUGHTER. Who wants to marry an absent minded girl? Although I will definitely marry the guy but I'm sure I will forget him somewhere and go for the honeymoon all by myself! 

So bouncing back to my title I have my reasons to have a beard :-

#1 Every man looks saaaxyyy in a beard, I've always been jealous of men who have a beard and long hair and walk around like they just don't care. It's easy, effortless and sexy!

#2 Clueless and Classy- So you don't comprehend what a person is saying, the easiest way to look intelligent is to  keep stroking your beard. You may be clueless, but it still makes you look all classy.

#3 Beard of Evil- Beards give you a very impish look. An impression of a smoking hot intellectual dude who can woo any girl he wants to. Because you belong to the  Stroke the Beard trope.

#4 I'm inspired by the  lazy bearded dragons. They are lethargic and hungry all the time.  They don't search for food on their own. 

So I have a choice, either I change the privacy settings of this post or let it be read by my mother, I'm assured that the implication would be her fainting. But she knows already that her daughter is a son in disguise. And aren't blogs supposed to be a form of honest reporting? People who read my blog and think I'm not straight are jackasses. I'm just saying I love bearded men, I'm also saying that I have an imaginary beard not because I don't respect my own gender, but because I'm jealous of these men with beards. And our egalitarian (A word that is conceptual in this day and age) and democratic society allows women to fantasize about everything under the sun! Even hot men ;)

(P.S - I have no intention of growing one, I knew it would arouse your curiosity if I give a  wacky name to my post. Strategic PR you know.) 

Atlanta's visit

I'm obsessed with novelty. It fascinates me! Especially pertaining to exploration of analogies and dichotomies. A twenty year old coveted with this urge to explore the country, the world, the network of information available to me, always on a quest of obscure information.. I'm sure it's going to be a seamless process. The one thing  I despise about adulthood is the monotony that seeps in. When I was a kid I kept asking a thousand questions, some were as awkward as 'Why do adults need a diaper?' (I was told that sanitary napkins are diapers for adults.) or as absurd as 'Why was I a bald  baby?" (Reason-I couldn't tell the difference between my baby butt and my bulbous baby head!) When my dog was sick and I was alone at home, my dog trainer was almost about to resign after he had a tete-a-tete with me. I was as curious as a child on a Christmas morning. 

Now I'm still the same, haven't changed a bit. But  all I have to do everytime I need an answer is ask Google Baba. But then there are questions which are less Googleable. For example- What am I doing with my life? How will I ever be  someone I've always wanted to be? My SWOT analysis told me that I have abundant curiosity. But I have too many fears. I'm too pragmatic to believe I can fulfill all the 567 wishes on my bucket list ( Started writing it when I was 17). 

Every abstraction that we feel while we worship god is hidden deep within us. Even those traits that gods posses are a part of our preconsicous thoughts. I've always wanted to be an explorer, one of my favorite Disney princesses was Pocahontas! Infact every person who wants to question, understand and seminate knowledge is a disciple of Atlanta. Who is she? She was a goddess of Independence and Adventure. 
A huntress and warrior. She is in every inquisitive person. 

Reading is a mode of travel in my opinion. You traverse into a different world altogether, even have some intellectually stimulating conversations with the writers( irrespective of the century they belong to).
 If you have seen Midnight in Paris, you'll know exactly what I'm talking about. One thought can break into a spectrum of innovative ideas. One stranger can enlighten you in more than a million ways. One movie or book can inspire you in a thousand different ways or help you gain a whole new perspective. Every mind boggling experience, be it an intellectual adventure or a physical one is a favorable contribution to your personality . 
As you reach a phase when you are too old to read, travel or indulge in any other intellctually orgasmic activities, you realize there are too many things you love about yourself. This does not in the least mean that your ego grows into the size of the Amazon river! But it means that you know yourself well enough to be confident, narrating experiences and stating facts from that giant reservoir of knowledge that your mind turns into. Curiosity was never dead. It's alive in every mind. All we need to do is nudge it now and then. As for me, I know I'm still trying to fnd myself  and I'm already in love with every wee bit I know about myself. Learning to live better, love better.